The Downward Spiral
I didn’t want to share this part of my life but I feel that it needs to be known to really understand my story. As I look back, I can really see how God was there every step of the way and leading me back to His feet and all of the goodness that comes with it.
In 2006 my dad was diagnosed with cancer and only given 6 months to live. During this time, I remained close with God as I knew it was the only way to get through this time of my life. He passed in 3 months and I slowly began to fall away from God.
I couldn’t believe in Him anymore. I couldn’t believe He would let me have the childhood I had, not allow me to have the earthly dad I wanted and then take him away. How could He love me and do this to me? I screamed at Him. I was angry but through it all He loved me. He forgave me. He still had a plan for me even though I was so far from Him and the truth. This kind of thinking and actions will get you in trouble. Life was a very dark and bleak place for me. I had issues battling depression, anger, resentment and hatefulness toward God and anyone. I didn’t know who I was anymore and I struggled to find this out because I was trying to do it on my own like a stubborn little child. I wondered if He was even real and if His son Jesus was even the way.
I felt that my whole upbringing in the church was wrong, being surrounded by my many uncles and cousins that preached God’s word was wrong. It was a lie. I didn’t want to be whatever this was. I didn’t want anything that had to do with God. I wanted something else, something different. When you sway from the one true God – you find other things that help fill a hole and once those things quit giving you a temporary fill, you move on to the next. I thank God for the day that I realized I couldn’t go any lower because I was already at the bottom of the spiral.
Climbing out of the bottom of the spiral was difficult but you can do anything with God. I did it. He was there all along and when I realized it was me that left and not Him leaving me, He was there arms wide open and waiting. Looking back I can see that God was there as I took a detour that I thought was right for me and I knew best. I was so wrong. God knows what is best for me! After all, He knew me before I was even conceived. I’m thankful that I went through this time in my life because I am exactly where I need to be at this very moment. It’s been a journey to get where I am today and I’ve only been able to do it because of God’s unfailing love and mercy.
It was in 2011 after the birth of our first son that we really started to get involved in church and a small group that changed our lives. Prayer began to become alive for me and God really started to show me who He is and just how much I mattered to Him. Our teachers really helped me to grow spiritually and taught me how to pray in a way I never prayed before. God really used them as an instrument to get me to where I am and exactly where my family and I are called to be. The funny thing is… they were our neighbors and we never knew it until we stepped foot in their Sunday school class. I remember that first day and I did not want to be there. I loathed every minute of getting there. We even had car trouble getting there but we still made it to church. Have you ever noticed how when you really don’t want to do something like going to church or doing something that involves God, is when you receive the biggest blessings?
As I look back, it was life changing for me. No wonder the enemy was doing everything to keep me from wanting to go. It was revealed to me the areas in my life that lacked God and just how broken I was. I learned that God loved me more than I could comprehend and my faith and trust grew in Him. My faith (even when it’s as small as a mustard seed) moved and still moves mountains. Mountains that I didn’t deserved moved but by the Grace of God, He moved them.
I was becoming undone, I say undone because that’s what it was like. Everything is revealed, the hardness of my heart, my brokenness, and the worldly things in me being undone and replaced by a mighty God who could change me from the inside out. He is replacing my inner being with His truth and IS still working on me. I’m still going through this refining period but I’ve learned to cling to Him no matter what life throws at you. We have to become undone before God can truly work in our lives and to experience His absolute best for us.
It’s an ugly process but it must be done and through Him, we can withstand the pain and discomfort as the band-aids are ripped off. It wasn’t instant and it was painful but at the end of the trials and perseverance, it was beautiful and still is beautiful. I can look back and I am in complete awe at how marvelous God is. Words can’t even measure up to His Greatness. My relationship with Jesus grew and I learned what it really meant to love and have a relationship with my Heavenly Father. We need Him to fill every part of our heart and every fiber of our being.
For now, this is what has been laid on my heart to share with y’all. I hope you know that whatever you may be going through, He is there and isn’t as far away as He may seem. Sometimes we need to just be Undone so that He can put the pieces back together – in a way that only He can, perfectly.
Until next time,