It always amazes me how distracted we can get on a daily basis and forget how far we have come in life. We do our day to day things and have our day to day issues. Could be a stressful day with work and kids and so much to do and so little time to do it. Or I just got paid and now I have no money.
Recently, I was watching a documentary on the Oklahoma City building bombing that sadly happened back in 1995. I remembered that I had written in my journal just a few short days afterwards about how I had felt about it. I ran upstairs and grabbed my journal out of my suitcase full of all my teenage memories. Which is pretty fitting considering I moved around a lot as a child. My parents were divorced and I found myself going back and forth between the both of them.
So, I started reading my journal which only consisted of a few months from that year. I must have remembered the old saying “don’t print anything on paper that you wouldn’t want broadcasted on the front page of a newspaper” Lol. As I was reading, I couldn’t stop. All these memories that I had blocked out. I was such a depressed and lonely teenage girl. I wanted to reach into that journal and hug her and tell her everything would turn out okay. My day to day journaling consisted of boy trouble, abuse, feelings of suicide and loneliness.I had wanted to have a closer relationship with Jesus but I found myself drowning in depression and anger.
I do remember times of shaking my fists and screaming out to God to take me out of this world. To make all this go away. To save me. I had no mentor back then. No woman to show me what a life for a girl is supposed to be like. I lived with my father and my 2 brothers most of the time. I longed for someone to see into my soul how tormented I was. I suppose I didn’t know how to articulate any of that at the time. I only knew how to yell and fight and defend myself. I only knew how to express how angry and sad I was. I got myself into quite a bit of trouble. Drugs, alcohol, premarital sex. I stopped caring about myself.
I don’t actually remember much of the details of that time; even the events I wrote about, but I do remember making my mind up at some point that I was going to look forward to the future and hold onto that last thread of hope that God was real and what I’ve learned my whole life was true and that Jesus loved me and hadn’t forgotten me.
Now, as I look around at my beautiful house and the peace in this house I see how God did deliver me. I have wonderful children. I didn’t do too much in my life in the right order but God still blessed me none the less. God saw through my soul and saw my pain and He delivered me. He set me on solid ground. I may have messed up in so many ways but being the Sovereign God He is; picked me up, dusted me off and pushed me forward. What an amazing mighty God we serve. And the thing is, I may have just been reminded of some of the pain I went through growing up and some of the awful things that were said to me or done to me but I’m also reminded that I am blessed and I survived. That I was saved and He did hear my cries and I was delivered from all of it. I don’t have to feel sad about it anymore. I don’t have to be angry. I can forgive and I am forgiven.
The annoyances that happen in my day to day are nothing compared to what The Lord God brought me out of so many years ago.
Looking back I don’t even recognize that girl in that journal. I know that God has transformed me. He has worked on my heart and has mended all my little holes and patched all those rips and tears. There may be scars but they are no longer wounds.
If you are going through a time in your life where you feel like nobody could possibly understand what you are going through or you feel like you are alone; I am a living testament that you are never alone. God does hear you and even if you don’t see his work yet, He is working on your behalf. It is always in the right time.
He knows perfectly and strategically where you are at in your grief or your anger or your sadness. He knows what you need and when you need it. He knows when you are open and ready to receive it. When you can lay it all down and get on your knees and recognize that He does have your back you are ready to receive it.
If you don’t have a mentor or somebody to reach out to that will listen and pray for you or pray with you, I encourage you to get out your bible and pray. I encourage you to find a bible based church to go to and do not isolate yourself. Reach out to other people or your pastor and ask them to pray with you. You are loved and you are never forgotten.
Luke 12:7- “But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows”.
Valerie C.
Barin my Soul
Collective Circle Gathering 