Tag: grief

Barefoot Devotions

Once Blind But Now I See: My Journey Through Grief

Hannah B.

May Seventeenth.

That is a day that often brings sadness as I remember my dad and how he is not here to celebrate his earthly birthday.  I have lived eleven of these days but finally, today is different.

Eleven long years of grief, anger, and pain. Experiencing cycles of feeling nothing at all with complete numbness to heart wrenching and unbearable pain.  Years of screaming at God and telling Him, He didn’t love me so why should I love a God that clearly didn’t love me?  A God that would take my dad away and the chance of redeeming him, healing him and our relationship. I believed the lies the devil told me and chose to remain enclosed and alone in the emotions that came with my grief. I searched for the answers that filled my head and my heart in the wrong places, it did not matter what it came from as long as it was as far away from The One True God as possible.

Eventually, as I realized the broken and dark road I had been running on was just that. A road that led to an endless pit, no life, no hope, and surrounded by a dark sea of nothing. Broken and alone. Wondering how did I get here?

Psalm 34_ 18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I let go of God and found comfort in the world. But He never let go of me and lead me back to Him.

Each year I embraced the storm. I felt the emotions and I fought my way through them. Somedays I was tattered and bruised but I was alive, feeling the pain. I would rather feel than to not feel anything at all.

Each year a little more peace given.

Each year a little piece of my heart mended back together.

Each year a little more light was given in the darkness.

Each year more answers were given to my questions.

Each year a little more wisdom gained.

Eleven years to bring me to My Calling. My purpose.

His life was taken so that I could find mine.

I am not overtaken by an overwhelming sense of grief and I am not overtaken by emotions of pain, anger, and sadness. I am not living in the what-ifs and thinking I wish he was here to see me now, watch my kids grow up, or to have a conversation or one last hug.  I am looking through God’s lens and seeing how everything has worked together for my good, at the right time, and how it was supposed to.  As I look back through God’s lens, and not the lens defined by my human eyes, I can see His hand in the details of my life to bring me to this place in my life.  A place of purpose, a heart filled with love, compassion, and grace.  A heart for Jesus. Whole and healed. Jesus was always there and always had a plan to bring me back home. He never left me in my brokenness.

He replied, _Whether he is a sinner or not, I don't know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!_

I was once blind but now I am found.  Thank you, Jesus, for not giving up on me.

My advice to those of you grieving:  Don’t run. Feel through the emotions and work through them looking through God’s lens.

Xoxo,

Hannah B.

P.S.  Did you like this message? Be sure to share with your friends and follow me on social media.  Here is the passage that carried me through my darkest days:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

Barefoot Devotions

Hope for The Fatherless

Hannah B.

For as long as I could remember, Father’s Day has been a bittersweet day that was surrounded with sadness. A day that served as reminder that a little girl would not always have the daddy she so desperately wanted to have. I prayed to have but a prayer that went unanswered. My daddy tried the best that he could considering his addictions and other issues I began to realize as an adult. Eventually, the day became surrounded with anger as I grieved the loss of him and my childhood. No chance for redemption. Emotions of anger, jealously of people who still had their dad, depression surrounded me and plagued me for a decade after his death.

I don’t tell you this to be sad for me or feel bad for me because even though we had a lot of bad times, we had a lot of good times too. In the end, the good outweighed the bad and I thank God for His unanswered prayers. Through my journey, Jesus was there in the blackness still surrounding me with a grater plan than I could ever imagine. He provided the answers along the way as I cried out my whys to Him. He gave me the peace that I needed to carry on another day especially on Father’s Day.

Even in my darkest days that turned to years, my vision only allowed me to see blackness in my current state. Hopeless. Discouraged. Depressed. Grieved. Angered. Fatherless. Orphaned. Lost in a dream that wasn’t a reality and didn’t have the chance at ever being a reality.

It was at that moment that God started changing my heart and opening my eyes to the most impactful statement He has ever told me in my Christian life:

I am your Father and everything you ever needed and will need in a daddy. Stop searching.

Although I still had years of emotions to unravel, this marked the moment that my hardened heart began to crumble and heal my “daddy issues”.

The next phase allowed me to truly forgive my dad, it was realizing that my dad did the absolute best that he could be physically, spiritually, and mentally for me. Once I accepted that, I quit blaming him for not trying hard enough. I realized he did try – to the point of exhaustion and to the breaking point of someone with an addiction. As I realized this, I wave of guilt washed over me and they only place I could go to make it right was to the LORD.

It’s freeing when such burdens are lifted but as they are lifted so are the blinders that cover your eyes. You are able to look at the situation with opened eyes and realize the affect of your actions and are able to acknowledge the stubbornness and pride in your heart.

When the blinders are removed, you are able to see further out than what is in front of your face. My next moment was that I was blessed with uncles that were always there and stepped in to fill the role. Even though they weren’t my earthly dad – they were placed in my life for what I would need.

As these truths were unveiled to me and I accepted them into my heart, I became free from a false reality, a false expectation, and a false idea. The idea I had was not what God intended for my life. When we let go of our preconceived ideas and accept that our ideas and plans weren’t part of God’s will, that is when He can work and show us His plan. When we fully accept that He is God, He is good, and He loves us enough to not let us settle for anything less, we surrender it all to Him willingly. I realized that for some reason He needed that little girl to go through heartache, trials, and the ugly feelings to get to where I am now. Whatever His reason is, I am thankful He chose me.

I am exactly where God needs me at this very moment and I have been this entire journey. Perhaps, it’s all about your perspective. You can focus on the negative and the things you can’t change or you can focus on who you were grown into during the experiences.

I am not Fatherless and neither are you. We are loved dearly by a God that doesn’t change, doesn’t leave, and loves us unconditionally.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

Happy Father’s Day God! And Happy Father’s Day to my earthly daddy who taught me a lot about life.

Xoxo,

Hannah B.

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Barefoot Devotions

Salvaged

Hannah B.

Barefoot and Broken.

Stripped baring rejection, sadness, and grief.  Maybe even a little guilt. Broken because what was supposed to be isn’t.

Expectations shattered by fleshly blindness because somewhere along the way too much trust was placed in a person and accepting their validation in your life.

God’s validation wasn’t sought after.

Trust shattered. Lessons learned. Walls that were once down, ready to love as you are called, are starting to rebuild.

Standing at a crossroads – with a choice of giving up on everything or fighting for everything.

Thinking that it took so long to break the walls down the first time or you could just go ahead and give into the flesh. It would be easier because it doesn’t require change and it lets me live for me, in the now.

What hold does this person have on you? Everything. You’ve poured out your life into them but the return in you was a swamp.  A bond and trust built and broken. A sinking foundation. Left battered and bruised.

Crying out to God and asking, “Why am I going through this? Why am I facing this rejection? Why did it have to be that way?” Life was and is going so well, God is moving, answering prayers and making dreams come true. Surely, the relationship could have been salvaged. 

Knocking and waiting for a locked door to open is hard. Finally, there is an answer but it isn’t the answer you would have imagined. The answer is no and He whispers,

“You have been salvaged instead.” 

Salvaged from the very person in your life that drained you, placed limits on your life and kept you from your calling. Salvaged from further damage. Rescued from your lost sea and handpicked by God to make new, make whole, to redeem and set apart. 

Through the rejection, you received your answer, and now it’s time to stop looking back at the regrets, asking what could have been, and continue to let God work in you and for you. His purpose is far greater than your mind could ever comprehend. He is my rock. My unwavering, solid rock. My shining light leading the way out of the swamp.

When you’re at a crossroads, choose to fight. Fight until the bitter end if that’s what it takes. The work that Jesus will complete in you is worth fighting through the emotions, the pain, the broken relationships, and the disappointments.  That’s what Jesus needs you to do. He alone makes all things right in there due time. Seek Him and learn the lesson.

Only God can take someone that is broken and make them whole again. In that, there is a real beauty as Our Maker puts us back together. Not just beauty that surpasses anything we could ever imagine but in the end we will be perfectly put together by the hands of Jesus.

With all my heart,

Hannah B.

Barefoot Devotions

Faith Over Fear: Season One // Day Five

Hannah B.

Season One // Day Five

Pondering

Grief is a deeply painful emotion of human life. You are often left feeling emotionless with an empty blanket of space as you learn to navigate through the events life has placed before you. You grieve for many reasons, such as a loss of a loved one, a friendship, an animal, or a job. Grief is a normal and natural human response to the pain you are feeling. As you navigate through the different emotions, know that it is okay to grieve, you will grieve differently than others, and there is not a set limit on how long you will grieve. It’s an emotionally draining process that requires a closeness with God even in your anger. If you allow the emotions to sweep you into the empty blanket of space, you will be swallowed into a pit of despair. Your heart will become blinded by the darkness and the emptiness of emotions you are trying so desperately to escape. Jesus is calling you away from this path as he desires to be near to you during your time of need. You can rest assured knowing he is close to your broken heart.

1 Thessalonians 4:13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Psalm 55:22 Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near the broken hearted; He delivers those who are discouraged.

Praying

Heavenly Father, you know the depths of my grief and the raging emotions that are swallowing up my heart. Guide me with your sustaining hand as I am trying to work through this time in my life. I am drawing near to you as your word says, knowing you are close to me during my brokenness. I am placing my trust in you knowing that you have my best interests at heart and you will deliver me through this season of my life. In Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen!

Practicing

  • Take your circumstances and your emotions that are swallowing you up and place them in the hands of God.
  • Go to him in prayer and tell him about your troubles and allow Him to work in your heart to change you, mold you, and shape you into the person you are supposed to be so that you are aligned with His will.
  • Ask Him to take the hurts and help you navigate through them and believe with confidence that He will. Thank Him in advance for doing this for you.
  • Fight through the emotions, the pain, and the discouragement and keep moving forward. Never look back unless you’re praising God for what He has done. 

 

Xoxo,

Hannah B.

P.S. I hope you are enjoying this series and learning to rise from ashes and blooming into your faith. It’s not easy. It’s a cycle and it gets better. We always have hope! It’s not too late to catch up on Day One through Day Four.  If you did enjoy reading this, please take the time to share on your social media feeds so that your friends can enjoy too. Be sure to find us on Facebook and Instagram too!

Barefoot Devotions // Faith Over Fear Series

Faith Over Fear: Day Five

Hannah B.

Season One // Day Five

Pondering

Grief is a deeply painful emotion of human life. You are often left feeling emotionless with an empty blanket of space as you learn to navigate through the events life has placed before you. You grieve for many reasons, such as a loss of a loved one, a friendship, an animal, or a job. Grief is a normal and natural human response to the pain you are feeling. As you navigate through the different emotions, know that it is okay to grieve, you will grieve differently than others, and there is not a set limit on how long you will grieve. It’s an emotionally draining process that requires a closeness with God even in your anger. If you allow the emotions to sweep you into the empty blanket of space, you will be swallowed into a pit of despair. Your heart will become blinded by the darkness and the emptiness of emotions you are trying so desperately to escape. Jesus is calling you away from this path as he desires to be near to you during your time of need. You can rest assured knowing he is close to your broken heart.

1 Thessalonians 4:13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Psalm 55:22 Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near the broken hearted; He delivers those who are discouraged.

Praying

Heavenly Father, you know the depths of my grief and the raging emotions that are swallowing up my heart. Guide me with your sustaining hand as I am trying to work through this time in my life. I am drawing near to you as your word says, knowing you are close to me during my brokenness. I am placing my trust in you knowing that you have my best interests at heart and you will deliver me through this season of my life. In Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen!

Practicing

  • Take your circumstances and your emotions that are swallowing you up and place them in the hands of God.
  • Go to him in prayer and tell him about your troubles and allow Him to work in your heart to change you, mold you, and shape you into the person you are supposed to be so that you are aligned with His will.
  • Ask Him to take the hurts and help you navigate through them and believe with confidence that He will. Thank Him in advance for doing this for you.
  • Fight through the emotions, the pain, and the discouragement and keep moving forward. Never look back unless you’re praising God for what He has done. 

Xoxo,

Hannah B.

P.S. I hope you are enjoying this series and learning to rise from ashes and blooming into your faith. It’s not easy. It’s a cycle and it gets better. We always have hope! It’s not too late to catch up on Day One through Day Four.  If you did enjoy reading this, please take the time to share on your social media feeds so that your friends can enjoy too. Be sure to find us on Facebook and Instagram too!