loss – Collective Circle Gathering

Girl In The Mirror

December 31, 2018January 1, 2019 Hannah B.

As she stood there standing in front of the mirror with her eyes opened, all she could see were thick, thorny, vines covering her. That is what life circumstances and experiences had done to her. She realized she was suffocating from the cold, prideful, sinful, heartless, hurt, and prideful person she had become. Surely, there was more to life than living it in these conditions. What is like to even live much less breathe without hurting?

There is a better way, it’s the way of Jesus Christ.

John 10:10 NIV | The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full

But as she trusted God’s process, she looks in the mirror and finds who she is becoming. Not who she was or what she has done.

Looking back at her in the mirror is a girl with fewer thorns and open holes from the thorns that God has plucked out. Holes that God has covered with grace and planted His seeds of truth and are beginning to sprout.

This is my 2018. I am her.

After God moved me to the holler, there were many thorns that needed to be plucked away and filled with His truth, grace, and love. It is a process and I have had to trust Him and acknowledge that His ways are higher. God has been a patient and loving Father with me through the process. Although it’s hard and it hurts, I am thankful that He loves me enough to prune back the branches and pluck out the rotten branches that have rooted in my soul. I am thankful that His mirror reveals the truth but does it in a kind and gentle way without shame and full of grace.

The pages of my Bible are tear-stained, worn, and falling out. The paragraphs are highlighted, sticky note prayers inside, completely marked in, and answers to questions only God could answer. You can say it’s been a year full of learning, applying, and walking out God’s truth in my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

John 15: 2 NIV |
He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.

If you feel shame, sadness, and despair when you look in the mirror, I want you to take a hard look at yourself and decide it’s time to start following Jesus. Start by reading His Word and apply His truths to your life.

When you align yourself with God and His will for your life, His promises will be yours, His love and peace will be yours, freedom will be yours, and a new life in Christ will be yours.
Hannah Boyd

God’s breath gives life to our bodies, how foolish of us to ignore when our soul thirsts for our Maker and deny our soul its true longing.

Prayer

Heavenly Father,

I come to you with a thankful heart for everything you have done to bring me to this place and I praise you for the things you about to unleash in my life. Though the process hurts, thank you for loving me with a love that can’t be comprehended so that I may live my best life abundantly for you. Continue to guide me as you know I desire to walk and live out Your truth. Pluck any areas that are not of You as I know you know what is best for me.

In Jesus’ name, Amen!

Personal Reflection

As you prepare to enter 2019, what would you like to change about the person you see in the mirror?
What is God telling you to change?
How is God telling you to act?

Prayerfully yours,

Hannah B.

Barefoot Devotions

Once Blind But Now I See: My Journey Through Grief

July 13, 2018August 26, 2018 Hannah B.

May Seventeenth.

That is a day that often brings sadness as I remember my dad and how he is not here to celebrate his earthly birthday. I have lived eleven of these days but finally, today is different.

Eleven long years of grief, anger, and pain. Experiencing cycles of feeling nothing at all with complete numbness to heart wrenching and unbearable pain. Years of screaming at God and telling Him, He didn’t love me so why should I love a God that clearly didn’t love me? A God that would take my dad away and the chance of redeeming him, healing him and our relationship. I believed the lies the devil told me and chose to remain enclosed and alone in the emotions that came with my grief. I searched for the answers that filled my head and my heart in the wrong places, it did not matter what it came from as long as it was as far away from The One True God as possible.

Eventually, as I realized the broken and dark road I had been running on was just that. A road that led to an endless pit, no life, no hope, and surrounded by a dark sea of nothing. Broken and alone. Wondering how did I get here?

I let go of God and found comfort in the world. But He never let go of me and lead me back to Him.

Each year I embraced the storm. I felt the emotions and I fought my way through them. Somedays I was tattered and bruised but I was alive, feeling the pain. I would rather feel than to not feel anything at all.

Each year a little more peace given.

Each year a little piece of my heart mended back together.

Each year a little more light was given in the darkness.

Each year more answers were given to my questions.

Each year a little more wisdom gained.

Eleven years to bring me to My Calling. My purpose.

His life was taken so that I could find mine.

I am not overtaken by an overwhelming sense of grief and I am not overtaken by emotions of pain, anger, and sadness. I am not living in the what-ifs and thinking I wish he was here to see me now, watch my kids grow up, or to have a conversation or one last hug. I am looking through God’s lens and seeing how everything has worked together for my good, at the right time, and how it was supposed to. As I look back through God’s lens, and not the lens defined by my human eyes, I can see His hand in the details of my life to bring me to this place in my life. A place of purpose, a heart filled with love, compassion, and grace. A heart for Jesus. Whole and healed. Jesus was always there and always had a plan to bring me back home. He never left me in my brokenness.

I was once blind but now I am found. Thank you, Jesus, for not giving up on me.

My advice to those of you grieving: Don’t run. Feel through the emotions and work through them looking through God’s lens.

Xoxo,

Hannah B.

P.S. Did you like this message? Be sure to share with your friends and follow me on social media. Here is the passage that carried me through my darkest days:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

Barefoot Devotions

Salvaged

May 15, 2018June 26, 2018 Hannah B.

Barefoot and Broken.

Stripped baring rejection, sadness, and grief. Maybe even a little guilt. Broken because what was supposed to be isn’t.

Expectations shattered by fleshly blindness because somewhere along the way too much trust was placed in a person and accepting their validation in your life.

God’s validation wasn’t sought after.

Trust shattered. Lessons learned. Walls that were once down, ready to love as you are called, are starting to rebuild.

Standing at a crossroads – with a choice of giving up on everything or fighting for everything.

Thinking that it took so long to break the walls down the first time or you could just go ahead and give into the flesh. It would be easier because it doesn’t require change and it lets me live for me, in the now.

What hold does this person have on you? Everything. You’ve poured out your life into them but the return in you was a swamp. A bond and trust built and broken. A sinking foundation. Left battered and bruised.

Crying out to God and asking, “Why am I going through this? Why am I facing this rejection? Why did it have to be that way?” Life was and is going so well, God is moving, answering prayers and making dreams come true. Surely, the relationship could have been salvaged.

Knocking and waiting for a locked door to open is hard. Finally, there is an answer but it isn’t the answer you would have imagined. The answer is no and He whispers,

“You have been salvaged instead.”

Salvaged from the very person in your life that drained you, placed limits on your life and kept you from your calling. Salvaged from further damage. Rescued from your lost sea and handpicked by God to make new, make whole, to redeem and set apart.

Through the rejection, you received your answer, and now it’s time to stop looking back at the regrets, asking what could have been, and continue to let God work in you and for you. His purpose is far greater than your mind could ever comprehend. He is my rock. My unwavering, solid rock. My shining light leading the way out of the swamp.

When you’re at a crossroads, choose to fight. Fight until the bitter end if that’s what it takes. The work that Jesus will complete in you is worth fighting through the emotions, the pain, the broken relationships, and the disappointments. That’s what Jesus needs you to do. He alone makes all things right in there due time. Seek Him and learn the lesson.

Only God can take someone that is broken and make them whole again. In that, there is a real beauty as Our Maker puts us back together. Not just beauty that surpasses anything we could ever imagine but in the end we will be perfectly put together by the hands of Jesus.

With all my heart,

Hannah B.